Double-dribble Jesus inspires new policy
Game play is going to change big- time for the Olivet basketball teams’ next seasons. According to the Olivet Athletic Department, effective at the start of the 2016-2017 season, a double-dribble policy will be implemented.
The double-dribble policy states that “all Olivet players must only dribble with both hands” and that “any sin- glehanded dribbling will result in the player being pulled from the game.”
The idea for the policy came from Jesus himself.
“I don’t want to say it was divine revelation,” Men’s Basketball Head Coach B. E. Aggressive said, “but it was definitely God-inspired.” Aggressive was walking to chapel and he happened to pass by the Double-Dribble statue. “I saw his arms holding the world like that and I suddenly realized that we’ve been doing it wrong this whole time. We have to follow Jesus’ example.”
Women’s Head Basketball Coach Jumissa Freethrow is excited about the change, “Dribbling with two hands will actually give the players more control over the ball,” she said. “It will make our Lady Tigers even better than they already are.” She paused before adding, “Which I didn’t think was possible.”
Not everyone is excited about the change. However, junior postman Lay Upshot said, “Dribbling with two hands is the dumbest idea ever. We will be forced to dribble in front of us instead of at our side and we’ll do nothing but trip over the ball and lose control of it all the time.”
Upshot expressed his concerns about the policy messing up his chances at going professional. “They are implementing this during my senior year. How am I ever going to impress any national teams if I am out there fumbling around and making a fool out of myself, all because my school decided that one-handed dribbling was no longer glorifying to God?”
Sophomore guard Jada Rimshot is so upset about the new policy that she said that she is going to transfer to another school. “MidAmerica Nazarene University just won the NAIA national championship. Maybe I’ll go there,” she said.
Upshot said that he is going to start a strike against the policy and encourages any students who want to help him to join in. “We have to fight this thing,” he said. “It will ruin Olivet’s basketball program.”
The Athletic Department is not concerned about player protests, though. The department released a statement saying, “We tore our clothes when we first heard that we had been playing basketball in a way that did not honor God. We believe that this change is for the betterment of both our players and our Christ-like image.” The statement went on to say that any player wishing to take up a grievance can take it up with God.
“The motto here at Olivet is ‘Education with a Christian Purpose,’” Aggressive said. “Christlikeness comes with being a Christian. So we—the other coaches and I—figured that if we have a statue of Jesus that looks like he’s double-dribbling, then we, as a Christian campus, need to reflect that image. If Jesus double-dribbles, so should we.”
—Kelli Poole, staff writer