By A.J.W. Ewers
Believe me, college does something to you that makes you want to throw all of your previously-held good habits out off a metaphorical window and adopt brand new habits that will make your pants’ buttons pop and your bank account go bust. Consider the following tips, or you might end up like me – an overweight, broke college student.
1. Watch what you eat or you might begin to take up more of the horizon.
I know that it is hard to resist going up to get “mac ‘n’ nuggets” multiple times because you only get six oddly shaped balls of processed chicken at a time, but maybe instead of going up ten times, you go up five? You must resist the temptation to eat everything in the dining hall, in your dorm and in your friend’s fridge. Twenty years from now when your metabolism screeches to a belt-busting stop, your body and your significant other will thank you.
2.Keep a little money in your sock drawer; you never know when you are going to need a bus ticket to Utah.
The number of college students with account balances under $1 is a chronic disease. To be honest, nothing says “I’m going to live in my parents basement until I am thirty” more than not beginning to plan and save for your future. Financial insecurity may seem fun when you are living off of your dad’s paycheck, but how are you ever going to afford a plane ticket to Vegas to see the “sister wives?” (Note: I actually love the sister wives). So begin to save a little money here and there. Despite what your credit card company tells you, having a positive balance on your bank account is actually a good thing.
3.Call your mother; she can’t eat enough ice cream to cope with the loss of you, her favorite child.
Women eat ice cream; but I am quite sure of the fact that they are predisposed to eating more ice cream when they’re sad than at any other moment of their middle-aged lives. If Lifetime and Disney TV movies are correct, then the most traumatizing day of a woman’s life is when her child goes away to college. First day of kindergarten? No. Move-in day of college? Might as well begin to schedule her therapy appointments. It will take you ten minutes to call your mother and help her realize that her new ménage-a-trois with her friends Ben and Jerry probably isn’t the healthiest. A plus: if you call your mother, she might send you money and food.
4. Sleep a little, I promise your girlfriend will (hopefully) still love you in the morning if you don’t call her at 2 a.m.
In case you forgot it on the trip from home to campus, the hours between 12 a.m. and 7 a.m. generally aren’t social hours. Do you honestly think anyone cares that your girlfriend held your hand for the first time that night, when you tell them at 3 a.m.? I promise you that the answer to that question is a resounding ‘no.’ Get some sleep, you are going to need that energy to listen to your mother’s wailing.
5. Crack your textbooks open at least once in a while, the bookstore didn’t rip you off for nothing.
College is expensive, so is fixing your car that looks like a drug dealers ride. In order to get that brand-new car that you are wanting, it would probably help to finish your college degree because your paycheck from our favorite clownish fast food chain isn’t going to pay the bills. You (or your parents) are paying for you to come to school, so use your textbook for more than balancing your wobbly table.