Notes from Jonny B. Swift: April 17, 2014

Dear readers,

If you’re anything like me, you might want to get that checked out.

But this also means you’re in the middle of a war. “But I don’t see tanks and bullets flying,” you meekly reply, peeking out your window. That’s because it’s a Culture war! Haha, Gotchya! Classic Christian shake-and-bake! Know that I’m high-fiving myself.

That’s right, without knowing it, everyone everywhere is out to hate and destroy your identity. Think of them as F-22’s out to napalm your beliefs. Or, if they’re the passive aggressive types, maybe they’re drones? In any case, head to your bible bunkers and strap in!

Don’t believe me? Have you heard of a little something called Noah? No, not the old man trying desperately to save himself, but Russell Crow. “But wait,” you mutter, peeking out from underneath your bunker-bed, “Isn’t the fact that secular Hollywood is trying to take seriously the narratives in our holy text demonstrative of the influence the church is having on culture?” First of all, no. Secondly, double no, and stop talking smart.

The point is, we should be furious.  Did you see what they did to Noah? They made him awesome! He’s violent! He cries! He has a six-pack and a man beard! He chases Hugh Jackman in 18th century France! He, I don’t know, busts out of prison? I don’t know, like many good Christian reviewers, I didn’t see the movie. Because it’s unbiblical.

Where’s the cartoonish boat we see in nurseries? Where’s the holier-than-thou attitude? Where’s the drunk Noah sleeping with his daughter because he doesn’t understand God’s bigger agenda (Gen 19:33)? You know, the family friendly stuff we Christians want to see. And speaking of speaking, I was appalled at the touchingly emotional writing. Last time I checked, there’s no dialogue in the Biblical account.

Basically, if you want to support the cinematic arts’ attempt to bring Judeo-Christian narratives to a broader audience in a meaningfully human way, avoid seeing Noah. Because if we can’t reach out to the world, they shouldn’t be allowed to reach out to us.

Flooded with disdain,

-Logan Long

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