Matchmaker risks outweigh benefits

By Melissa Luby

When you attend the same college as your older sister, chances are good that your college experience starts before your years on campus. Everyone is familiar with Olivet’s popular slogan: We believe you belong here. Less people are familiar with the student version of Olivet’s elevator pitch, the one my sister taught me while I was still a tender high school sophomore: Marrying off Midwestern Nazarenes since 1907.

Judging from the ring-by-spring culture on campus, Olivet is already doing a great job in the marriage department. But there’s always room for improvement, right?

We all knew this day would come. All of the not-so-subtle marriage-is-your-chief-end hints that the administration constantly leaks finally culminated in the announcement so many have longed for: Olivet will now offer students  matchmaker services.

No longer will the timid, quiet guys on campus have to worry about approaching a girl. No longer will the homely, unnoticed females remain invisible. Brought together by the deft hand of Olivet matchmaker, the lonely hearts of this campus will lose their loneliness.

“Brought together by the deft hand of Olivet matchmaker, the lonely hearts of this campus will lose their loneliness.”

On the surface, it sounds like a great idea. Initially, I thought it was great too. No more lonely Valentines Days or third-wheel outings with friends. But then I stopped to consider what this actually means in practice, and I noticed with alarm how horrific the consequences could be.

Ladies, this is huge: Chivalry will die. If men no longer have to pluck up their courage to chase the girl of their dreams, will they be able to protect you from the scary real world, where doors don’t open themselves and people dance?

And what about our male-to-female ratio? Unless serious action is taken to bring more men to our campus, the poor ladies at our school will resort to desperate measures. The matchmaker may have to pair them with heathens from the Bourbonnais community outside our bubble, or even (gasp) with the same guy as their best friend, which would either result in mass cat fighting or the adoption of polygamy as an acceptable action within the Nazarene church.

Imagine how enrollment would change if we could promise prospective students not just an education but a spouse and children to boot. That is the hope that the matchmaker brings to not only future Olivetians but present ones as well.  In the wake of the matchmaker’s announcement, don’t be surprised to see grades plummet among seniors desperate to buy themselves enough time on campus, another whole semester, even, for the matchmaker to do what he or she does best.

In short, the matchmaker stands as a buffer between us and facing our fears – fears of loneliness and rejection. Relationships take courage, and letting a matchmaker do the legwork for us builds a foundation of cowardice for our relationships, a foundation that will not weather life’s storms. Olivetians, we don’t need a matchmaker. That’s what the Secret Admirer’s forum is for

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