A Global Glimpse: April 1, 2014

A Global Glimpse of what’s happening around the world.

Dallas, Texas

George W. Bush may become the first President of the U.S. to serve more than two terms since the days of Franklin D. Roosevelt.

The former president of the United States plans to run in the 2016 National election under his new name, Ezekiel Bush.

“The 22nd amendment states that ‘No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice,’”commented Bush.

“However, George W. Bush and Ezekiel Bush are not the same person. I am no longer the man I once was. I have had a spiritual makeover,” he said.

Bush says that he is inspired to take on the presidency again so that “Ezekiel” may rectify the mistakes of George W.

Citizens of Dallas are largely in support of the politician.

“I think this is a great opportunity for America to see who the greatest President of all time truly was,” said native Texan Amy Growler.

“Now that he’s of even stronger intellect than before I think he’s really going to turn this nation on its head.”

– The Dallas Surveyor

Bogota, Colombia

A couple recently tried to return their child to the Grace International Adoption Agency in Colombia, sixteen years after the adoption took place.

Mr. and Mrs. Loving have told reporters that the child they adopted, now 17, has behavioral problems, temper issues, and difficulty with following directions.

“I feel that the agency was negligent and did not disclose all of the pertinent information to us,” Mrs. Loving said.

“I’ve looked at the adoption papers over and over again and no where does it say that children may become difficult after reaching adolescence.”

Kevin Anderson, a representative from Grace International, says that this is not the first time a couple has tried to return a child after so many years.

“Every now and again we get a couple who didn’t realize that they wanted a baby, and not a toddler, preteen, or a teen,” he said.

The Lovings plan to sue the agency for $300,000 the cost of raising the child for the past sixteen years if they do not allow them to return him.

– The Colombian Collander

Jerusalem, Israel

People of Jerusalem are petitioning to make the Necronomicon the official book of Israel.

The Necronomicon is known to be the Satanic bible, that contains spells, rituals and demonic enchantments.

Though the book is the fictional work of horror story writer, H.P. Lovecraft, it has come to be a much admired text by the Israelites.

“There is a lot of truth within its pages,” reader Maya Demsky said.

“Just the other day I did an enchantment from the book and I swear I saw the shadow of Satan,” she said.

Some believe that this book is the answer to the questions left by the Hebrew Bible.

“It’s like when you read them together, you get the full spectrum: Heaven and Hell. The Kingdom and the underworld,” Demsky said.

The petitioners feel that making the Necronomicon the national book will heavily persuade all of Israel’s people to read the book.

“It’s too good to ignore,” petitioner Noam Barak commented. “We have not heard a solid word from officials yet, but we won’t stop petitioning until they hear us,” he said.

– Judaism Daily

Damascus, Syria

A famous Damascene baker is selling something near and dear to her in attempts to keep her legacy alive: her heart.

Fannie Daye of Happy Dayes bakery centered in Damascus said that her love of baking is contained in her heart and must be shared with the world even after her passing.

The 89-year-old expects to be knocking on death’s door any day now, and wants to be prepared when it happens.

“I’m auctioning off my heart to the highest bidder,” she said. “I believe that whoever buys it will also receive my passions, talents, and skills.”

Her son, Billy Daye, is skeptical of her decision.

“I don’t know why she doesn’t just pass down the recipes to the rest of the family,” he commented.

“I have a passion for baking and I have always planned on carrying out my mother’s business for her,” he said. “But the closest I’ve come to a recipe is licking batter off a spoon.”

Mrs. Dayes says she wants someone else to carry on with her legacy, “someone who’s salted caramel isn’t so salty,” she said.

– The Damascene Demolition

Beijing, China

China just got a taste of Italy after President Xi Jinping threw a pizza party that fed all of Beijing.

Jinping told reporters that he knows that not all of China has the luxury of eating a full meal, so he decided to feed the many that filled the country’s capital.

To feed the 11.51 million citizens, it cost the Chinese government 357,190,000 yuan.

“There was enough for everyone to have a whole half of a pie,” said pizza eater, Dao Li, while rubbing his belly in remembrance.

“It was the best pizza I have ever had in my life,” he said.

Mei Cheng, however, feels that the president could have done more.

“After four slices of pizza you tend to get very thirsty,” she said.

“I only wish that there might have been some drinks to accompany the meal.”

Not everyone was feeling the love, as some critics felt that the pizza party was a ploy to win their obedience.

“We cannot be bought with Italian dishes,” proclaimed Nicolas Andretti, originally from Italy himself. “We aren’t that cheap.”

– The Chinese Expositor

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