Notes from Jonny B. Swift: Mar. 20, 2014

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Devil’s playground. Maybe like fingers are jungle gyms? I don’t know exactly how it works. Luckily for us, the good people at BuzzFeed have found a solution. My hands have been too busy clicking, scrolling, and swiping to be idle.

Despite my strongest attempts, however—hold on…

Dang it! Judas? Forget sharing that one.

Where were we? Right, look, I’m trying to—just a sec… I’ve always wondered what Toy Story character is my spirit animal. Probably Andy? No, Woody, definitely Woody. Please, no whammies, no whammies, no whammies. Buzz? Wait, Rex? I’m Rex? I said no whammies!

Sorry, are you still there? What were we talking about? Oh, BuzzFeed. Well the kind people at—wait a minute. Shoot. There’s no way I’m a Carrie. I’m definitely a Charlotte. At least I think I’m a Charlotte. It’s kind of hard to want to be any of them. Is Matthew McConaughey an option? Maybe my first three answers should have been “Alright.”

Back to work. The Devil has hands and there are jungle gyms involved. Wait, did I already say that? Wait, wait, I got this. Just let me check my notes here.

Architect. Free Willy. Being cut in line. Shoot! George Costanza? I think that’s the lowest score I can get. Even lower than Uncle Joey. Wait, please tell me I’m not Uncle Joey. And—Bob Saget! I’m Danny Tanner. Just when I thought I hit rock bottom…

NO! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS! I AM VERY CUTE! BUZZFEED, YOU KNOW NOTHING!

Wait, is this column written yet? Right, despite my strongest attempts, um…wait—despite my strongest… what am I? That’s a little existential for BuzzFeed… Oh, it’s marked “LOL.” Should be WOT, because I’m not wasting my time on that.

Focus Logan! Right, despite my strongest attempts, I find myself unable to stop taking the quizzes. So thanks, BuzzFeed, for keeping the idols a Devil’s playground or whatever, because without you—wait—

– Logan Long

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